In light of recent conversations, a few interested individuals have asked the question,
I'm glad you asked. As a matter of fact, within the few minutes after receiving the rhetorical inquiry, I came up with a laundry list of things that I'm hopelessly horrendous at. Narrowed down and in no particular order, I present to you TEN faults keeping me from being a Renaissance man.
I am TERRIBLE at...
1. Jumping Rope
Let's kick things off easy. You'd think that with this Greek God of a body (read: specifically Hephaestus*) that I'd be able to jump whenever a piece of thick string got close to my feet. Unfortunately, due to some undiagnosed misfirings in my caffeine-fuelled cerebellum, either:
- One foot gets caught
- Both feet get caught
- I run out of breath after one jump
It's no wonder I was never invited to those "Skip-a-Thon" fundraisers - would have lost the school money.
2. Club "Dancing"
This isn't cha-cha, swing, ballroom, or hip-hop. Those are real dance styles, because they require skill and coordination. Heck, I may not have been good, but I loved my year of introductory ballet in Toronto!
What I'm referring to is the millennial style of dance/mating ritual most often seen in under-chaperoned high school gyms. Grinding? Twerking? Upright seizure?
Enough said. Moving on.
3. Telling Jokes
It's not that I don't know any good jokes. The problem is that I'm already chuckling long before the punchline - instant crowd killer. Want to hear some great delivery? Listen to my brother, Erich - that man possesses much better comedic timing than I.
Pretty sure the only reason why more people laugh at my lines now than before is because before I wasn't a dentist - "Excuse me, but I think there's a little something on your nose."
4. Mental Math
Contrary to my physical appearance, I am frighteningly weak at crunching numbers in my head.
Last night our group of models went out for Korean BBQ (yes, sometimes we eat more than flavoured air). To make it less of a hassle, one girl paid for the entire meal. As we hailed a taxi to our apartment, another model asked, "Hey, how much do we owe you?"
"Thirty-four dollars", I immediately respond. They all look at me, "Wow, Asians are so good at math!"
Little did they know... I got a glimpse of the bill at the counter and had just spent the last six minutes trying to divide 136 by 4. Imagine actor Zack Galifianakis during The Hangover's blackjack scene. That was me.
5. United States Customary Units
Kg to lb... lb to ounce... ounce to foot... foot to palm... palm to face.
This is related to mental math, especially at the gym. For as long as I can remember I've been lifting in pounds. Suddenly I'm in a Singaporean weight room gazing, slack-jawed, at the dumbbell rack... trying to divide everything by roughly 2.2.
My first encounter with this ludicrous lingo was during high school woodworking. Everything was in quarter-inches, or eighth of an inch, or something equally mentally taxing. Still surprised I graduated with all nine fingers... wait.
Why can't everyone just pick a damn system and live in peace?! Oh right, THIS is why.
6. Driving the Speed Limit
When you're born and raised in Regina, Saskatchewan - land of the endless horizon - it's impossible NOT to push the speed limit... just a teensy bit. Assuming you've safely reached the highway without first blowing a tire on one of our bountiful pot holes, the low population density means that you have many opportunities to enjoy open roads. Also, the release of Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift when I turned 16 (legal driving age) only encouraged this behaviour.
Remember boys and girls: reckless drivers make neckless drivers**. Always be safe and responsible behind the wheel. Doctor Ian can fix teeth - not stupidity.
7. Remembering Birthdays
Time to get serious, because this is something I want to work on.
It's not the argument of, "what's the big deal - it's just a birthday and it will return next year," but more that if you care about someone, then it's one of those times in the year to show it: "hey, I made some effort to think about everything you've done for me - thank you."
It's not the birthday itself - but the act of wishing it that holds so much weight. Don't take the ones you love for granted. I've screwed the pooch one too many times this year because of my self-absorbed tunnel vision. Resolution starting now: showing appreciation and gratitude.
8. Replying to Emails
Have you ever gotten an email notification on your phone or computer and you quickly skim it thinking,
"Oh, I'll reply to this as soon as I'm finished!"
But once you're done brushing and flossing your cat's teeth, the thought of that email has long passed and you've already started the next super important task? Yup, that's me.
There are only two reasonable options:
- Brew a fresh pot of coffee. Sit down. Start replying.
- Throw phone into ocean***. Enter Witness Protection Program. Start new accounts.
Yeah, I agree. Number 2 for sure.
9. Staying Awake at Classical Concerts
Growing up my parents invested in family season tickets to the Regina Symphony Orchestra - a futile attempt to make me cultured. And every other weekend you'd find little tuxedo-Ian passed out in the first balcony - drool halfway from lip to floor. To this day I haven't been able to quell those narcoleptic demons. Or maybe I prefer my classical music via osmosis.
Thankfully, composers throughout the centuries have created this amazing system whereby the name of each movement correlates with my level of consciousness:
- Presto - awake and alert
- Allegro - could use coffee
- Adagio - oh shit, eyelids heavy
- Larghissimo - comatose
10. Staying Awake at Church
I want to end by stressing the importance of failure - it's not a point of shame but more importantly an opportunity for growth. Where we lack ability or talent only furthers our identity as unique individuals. Nobody is perfect and anybody who claims to be suffers from grand disillusion. We end with this quote by entrepreneur/lawyer/investor, Chris Sacca, on embracing your lovely, weird self:
"Weirdness is why we adore our friends… Weirdness is what bonds us to [our] colleagues. Weirdness is what sets us apart, gets us hired. Be your unapologetically weird self. In fact, being weird may even find you the ultimate happiness."
What is something that you're not so good at or makes you uniquely weird? Leave a COMMENT below or JOIN the discussion on social media!
- *commonly known as the ugliest God in all Greek mythology
- **you saw it here first
- ***or in a pothole, if you live in Saskatchewan