I woke up this morning in a very restless state. My first two weeks in Singapore were busy - the flurry of castings, jobs, and all things associated with moving to a new country, had kept my overactive brain occupied. But in the past week things have started catching up and I began to worry. The mental self-flagellation ran at full speed:
"My unit back home is suddenly springing with problems - my tenant must think I'm the most irresponsible landlord ever"
"OMG I just left a financially stable job - did I make a horrible decision coming to Singapore? Is this the major failure that people will judge me upon?"
"Who am I? Where the heck am I going with this?!"
So I do what I usually do when I need to find focus: lift weights. While at the gym I had a long conversation with a good friend from Toronto. "Why are you doing this? Why did you leave Toronto to model in Singapore?" she asked. To which I reply, "I needed to find inner peace, to know that I am being the fullest version of myself." Again she inquired, "and how did you know this was the right decision?" I was quick, "I prayed. God gave me this opportunity and it felt right."
"When was the last time you prayed?"
When was the last time I prayed? Wow... it has been a while. I couldn't even remember the last time I asked for help, never mind pray.
She continued, "maybe you've misplaced the trust in yourself. The plans you've made are not going as expected and the uncertainty is killing you - simply because of just that: they're your plans. You're serving your ego and have forgotten about the bigger picture - and that is you're just a vessel for God. Live each day with your eyes to the Lord and know that everything that happens, be it good or bad, is all part of something beyond our comprehension. Stop letting pride and ego blind you."
Shit. I didn't want to hear it. But I needed to hear it.
When have any of my plans ever worked out?* I'd fallen into old habits and it was biting me in the ass. After completing my workout I spent the walk home meditating on our conversation. I gave up control and prayed for trust. And how funny it is. I was soon overcome with a peace that I hadn't felt for weeks.
Everything will be fine.
The bible verse that opens this post is one that has helped me through many tough times. In moments of frustration with life or circumstance, I have to remember to keep pushing. One step at a time. I'll end with this childhood mantra:
"I think I can, I think I can" - The Little Engine That Could